A Mirror on the Soul

In his Confessions, Augustine opens up to us the inner state of his soul in the early part of his life, and shares with his readers how he came to terms with himself, with the world around him, and with God. The book is unique in the history of Christian literature in that it is addressed to God directly. It is not exactly a prayer, though parts of it read that way, but rather a searing analysis of the human heart and a plea for forgiveness addressed to the only one who can both understand the depth of the author’s self-awareness and give him the pardon that he so desperately seeks.

It is true that Augustine was not the first person to bare his soul in this way. He had a predecessor of sorts in the Apostle Paul, who also tells us of his struggles with himself and with the will of God. But whereas Paul does this sparingly and in the context of other discussions, which he illustrates by referring to his own experience, Augustine devotes his whole effort to self-examination. The result is an autobiographical study that is not quite a true autobiography. Of course, he mentions various of his life events, but he does so mainly in passing and often leaves out details that a modern reader finds surprising. For example, he tells us that he took a concubine when he went to teach in Carthage, that he loved her very much, and that she bore him a son. But nowhere does he ever mention her name, or say anything about her as a person. It was a love match, but it is not a love story, and after he was converted to Christ, he sent her away, much to his own regret.

Today, we would expect the tale to end differently. Augustine and his concubine were effectively married and had a family, so we think that once he became a Christian, he should have regularized the situation by marrying her according to the law and settling down in a “happy ever after” scenario. But instead of that, he came to see his relationship with her as a reminder of his sinful rebellion against God, and he acted accordingly. It is true that she was of a lower social class than he was, and in the ancient world, class counted for more than it does today. Augustine’s mother Monica agreed with his decision, and even set about trying to find someone she regarded as a suitable wife for him. But at this point we discover that Augustine’s spiritual journey was something quite different from what she imagined. Unlike his mother, Augustine did not want the “right” kind of marriage. To him, giving his life to God meant adopting a life of celibacy, something to which he himself admitted he was not really suited. That he succeeded in this aim, going against his natural instincts, was something that he regarded as a triumph of God’s grace at work in him, an attitude that sounds more than a little strange to us.

In the Confessions Augustine put into words what we feel in our hearts, and for that reason his great book will last until the Son of God comes in his glory. Share on XYet Augustine never questioned what he regarded as God’s will in this matter. Later on, when he returned from Italy to North Africa, he found himself constrained, much against his own desire, to take a ministerial position in the city of Hippo (now Annaba in Algeria) with a view to becoming its bishop. It was not at all what his previous life had prepared him for, and in many ways his years in Hippo were a considerable climbdown from the heady days when he had been a lecturer in the great city of Carthage, and later sought his fortunes in the imperial capitals of Rome and Milan. We know from what he says elsewhere that much of his teaching fell on stony ground in Hippo, that he was forced to engage in church politics that distracted him from his main concerns, and that very few people understood or appreciated his massive intellect and literary output. In many ways, his career must have seemed like a lifetime of penance for the follies of his youth, which he recounts in great, and sometimes rather embarrassing, detail in the Confessions. Had he kept quiet about his spiritual journey, the impact of his great works on the Trinity, the history of the Church and the interpretation of the Bible would still have been felt, and he would still be remembered as one of the leading representatives of early Christianity.

But although his massive output has been preserved to a remarkable degree and his contribution to the development of Christian theology is universally acknowledged, even by those who disagree with him on particular points, it is his Confessions that stand out as uniquely appealing. Centuries later, when a portrait painter offered his services to Oliver Cromwell, the great Puritan leader agreed to accept them, on condition that the man should portray him “warts and all”. What the painter did for Cromwell, Augustine did for himself, and that is the source of his enduring appeal. He did not hesitate to picture his conversion as a struggle that was not resolved until he heard the voice of a young girl, who had no idea that he was listening to her words, say “Take up and read”, a directive that led him to seek peace in a copy of Paul’s letter to the Romans, where the apostle’s remarks towards the end of chapter 13 pierced his heart.

It was a moment that in purely human terms made little sense. How could such a coincidence have been used by the Holy Spirit to bring him to the point of repentance and that death to self that is the beginning of all true conversion? There is no logical explanation for this, but those who have met with Christ know that logic is not the ley that opens the gates of heaven. Augustine was a rhetorician, a philosopher and a preacher of renown, yet in his search for God he was brought as low as anyone could ever be. He came down to our level, and it is there that we meet him and embrace him as a brother. Everything else flowed from that – his baptism, his ministerial career and everything he ever wrote. And it is at that place of death to self and new birth in Christ that all of us find our true identity and purpose in life. We may lack the eloquence of Augustine, and we are most unlikely ever to achieve anything like his fame and influence, but we share his experience and because of that, we shall stand with him around the throne of grace, worshipping our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who has given us the victory over the world, the flesh and the devil. In the Confessions Augustine put into words what we feel in our hearts, and for that reason his great book will last until the Son of God comes in his glory, to establish his kingdom and claim us as his heirs and co-workers for eternity.

This article orginally appeared in Credo Magazine: Saint Augustine.

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